He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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