i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
