I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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