her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
