My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
