that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
where does the pee come out of this thing
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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