Nicole vs. Life
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
