Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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