In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
