My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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