i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
