tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
