seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
