i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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