I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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