Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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