Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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