i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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