woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
