im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
