Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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