Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
