The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
