Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
