Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize