Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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