I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
