I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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