y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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