My sheets look like a crime scene.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
