what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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