i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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