So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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