Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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