Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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