I smell stomach acid.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
