I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
