Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
