I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
