Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
