Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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