does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My balls are so social today.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
