my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
