you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
