Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
