I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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