good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
