these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
