Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
