end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
