All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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