I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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