I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
