Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
