did you get engaged???
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
