when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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