Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
