you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
