Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He better not be in your backpack
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
