yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
