i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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