This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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