Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize