he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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