I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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