My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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