Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
